I Am a Keeper of the Keys
As a nanny you unlock many doors.
Feeling the click of lightweight metal and plastic drop into my hand, I closed my fingers over the new set of keys just passed to me. The contract language was settled, the schedule and compensation agreed upon, and the documents signed. At the door, my new bosses handed me the keys to the front door, the back door, the remote for the garage door and the mailbox. “See you Monday!” they called cheerfully as I walked past the building concierge, through the glass doors, and out onto the sidewalk toward the bus stop.
How many apartment buildings, private homes, or coffee shops have I done this in? How many concierges have I passed on my way? (I actually fell in love with one). Over the years, my own career has blossomed from “babysitter” to “nanny” to “Concierge and Family Consultant”. From the 1600’s French, concierge means “Keeper of the Keys”. The Caretaker. I like this. There are some etymologies that trace it back further to the Vulgar Latin conservus, which is translated, “fellow slave”, but this is only by interpretation. There are some reading this that deem that more appropriate, but I find this disconcerting. Our profession is, if not defined by anything else, one of care! What separates one definition from the other in today’s Nanny World? There are many components to this question, but the first that I believe to be critical in a healthy and pleasant working relationship is excellent communication.
And where does that start? By taking a closer look at our conversations with the parents of our littles. Why? Because, unlike the boardroom, the living room is our base; it is where we live. Not just where we work for 40 - 70 hours of any given week, but actually live - and share our living in our employers home. So. Many. Nuances. here that don’t exist in traditional work environments. Do you wipe cereal off of your colleague’s chin before he sits at his desk? Clean Mommy’s lipstick out of the rug before joining the meeting? These are not only peculiarities of our profession, but actually lend a vulnerable mood to important and necessary dialogue with our employers. There are feelings, there is ownership, there will be vulnerabilities. Its like Scotch tape: transparent but a little sticky.
Let’s move beyond the more common reasons for a “meet with the parents” session for now (raises, schedule changes, job description changes, etc). What if a conversation becomes necessary because of behavioral disruptions at home or at school? What if you see signs of abuse? What if you suddenly find yourself in the middle of divorce proceedings? Suppose you walk in one morning and find a nanny cam installed without prior discussion? How does one approach such changes when it is their home, their marriage, their children?
It helps to realize that the concierge mentality reminds us that we have been given the keys, entrusted with full caretaking. We are not “fellow slaves”; we are partners with a family, and are accountable for the service of care. Will every parent accept our partnership respectfully? No - but it is our business to use our professional voice responsibly.
So what are the”keys” to successful communication with our mom boss (MB) and dad boss (DB)? The most important key is you. You must have confidence in your position.
● Is there a safety issue for your charge? Their safety is more critical than your lack of confidence. Address it.
● Is there emotional distress? It is in the best interest of everyone you care for - your charges, their parents and you - that it becomes a priority. Address it.
● Opt for diplomacy over delicacy. Regardless of how delicate a situation is, if it is left un-dealt with, it will implode. Consider a charge who is bullied at school but is embarrassed to admit it at home because he may not be believed or even condemned as cowardly. You are that child’s voice. By fearing the delicacy of the situation and keeping quiet, this child is getting “shame” reinforced and will spend years building on that self-perception. However, if you advocate for them diplomatically (“I know how well you have taught J. self-confidence, and it is being severely tested at school recess right now; I am seeing signs that it is getting beyond his ability alone. I knew you would want to know and take action.”), then you are taking the proper responsibility and putting this in the hands of those who are ultimately responsible.
● If it is you who is put in an uncomfortable position, you must advocate for yourself. To not do so sends the message that your vulnerability is not important and therefore may be dismissed. Address it without embarrassment. “I see that a camera has been installed over the weekend, but this was not discussed prior to my hire, so I’d like to have you tell me about it now.” This is respectful but does not leave room to put you on the defensive. If you cannot agree with their explanation or reasons, then you have a reason to terminate your relationship.
There are any number of awkward scenarios we could evaluate, but it all comes down to this: do not allow yourself to be intimidated by strong personalities or by their position as your employers. You have a responsibility for total care - you are not a”fellow slave”. You are a “Keeper of the Keys.” Use all of the keys you have - they have been entrusted to you.