But You Promised...How YOU Can Stay Clear of the "I Promise" Trap
By Sylvia Rouss and Shannan Rouss
Adults use promises for a variety of reasons—to bribe a child into doing what they want, to avoid a possible confrontation with their child, to spare their child from disappointment, to create hope in their child. But children are sticklers when it comes to promises—your word is your bond. To break a promise is to break trust with a child. Here are some common promises to children that are made (and broken), and tips for how to steer clear of them.
Ouch Factor
The Promise: “It won’t hurt, I promise.”
The Fix: Pain is subjective, so while having a bandage removed may seem like nothing to you, children may feel otherwise. Instead of promising it won’t hurt at all, consider saying, “This might hurt a little, but it will be over quickly.”
Night, Night
The Promise: “I promise your Mom (or Dad) will be home before your bedtime.”
The Fix: Be careful about making promises when there are circumstances beyond your control—like traffic jams and last-minute work meetings. Instead, try: “Your (Mom or Dad) has promised to do (his/her) best to make it home before bedtime.”
It’s a Date
The Promise: “I promise you can have a play date next week, not today.”
The Fix: Children remember the details. If you say next week, they’ll hold you to it. Try this more realistic alternative: “Let’s talk to your friend’s parent and try to set up a play date.”
Bittersweet
The Promise: “I promise to take you for ice cream when you clean up your room.”
The Fix: Bribing your child won’t help them learn to be self-motivated. Skip the promise of a sweet and instead help them understand the idea of consequences. Try something like, “You need to pick up your toys, so no one trips on them.”
Live & Learn
The Promise: “I promise that if you do your homework, you’ll be the smartest kid in class.”
The Fix: Help children appreciate the value of learning, rather than putting the focus on being the best. You might say something like, “Doing your schoolwork helps you grow and learn.”
What a Day
The Promise: “I promise that tomorrow will be a better day.”
The Fix: Adults often want to make everything better for children, but sometimes what children need most is to have their feelings validated and acknowledged. A good way to do that is simply to say, “It sounds like you had a difficult day.”
It's Not Forever
The Promise: “I promise that you will soon be able to go back to school and play with your friends.”
The Fix: As much as we would like the “pandemic” to be over so that we can resume our normal lives, the future is uncertain and it may take a long time—probably a year or more. Children should be reassured that we are taking precautions while we wait for the scientists and doctors to find a cure. Try putting the future into a time frame that a child can understand by saying something like, “The doctors are working very hard to make sure we are safe. It will take a long time. It’s like waiting for your birthday each year. Until then, we will wear our masks, wash our hands, and stay apart from people who don’t live in our house. But we can visit with our family and friends by using facetime, phone calls and ‘drive-bys’”.