By Nicola Manton

Hugs. They should be uncomplicated, but they are not. Sometimes we crave a hug, as we need that physical contact with someone we love, like a friend or a member of family. Hugs can be wonderful—flooding you with warmth and joy—letting you connect in such a special way with the ones that you love.

I, for one, am a hugger. I approach hugs with gusto. For the children I care for hugs are bear-sized blankets bursting with love. With friends a hug is for hello, goodbye, and I’m here for you. With my wife, a hug means home. However, this isn’t the case for everyone. Sometimes a hug is a breach of personal space and an uncomfortable moment to be rushed through. Whether you consider yourself a hugger or not, there will be times when you want to say no to a hug for all kinds of reasons and sometimes for no reason at all!

At one time or another, everyone has felt the need to protect their bodily autonomy and say no to an invasion of their personal space. As adults, we are better equipped in those situations to speak up and use alternatives like a handshake or smile, that express a greeting or feeling. For me, when I am in that situation, I might say with a smile “ah sorry, I’m not a hugger”, and this is usually met with a moment of embarrassed confusion but is quickly moved on from. Adults can be more confident in how we approach these situations because we’re more confident in our choices and the value of them.

But, what about our children? We’ve all seen it, and many of us have probably done it without thinking; putting a child in a position where they feel pushed to hug a relative or a friend. Maybe little Davey has just finished a playdate and is told to give his friend a hug goodbye, often pushed multiple times to be “nice” and embrace the other child. In fact, maybe we’ve made it a point to include hugging as part of their goodbye routine and simply expected them to go along.

Or perhaps your parents have come to visit, and you want your little one to love their grandparents as much as you love them, so you push a little more for them to give a big hug. While the intention may seem innocent here, the message is more complex. Although you have a lifelong relationship with your parents, your child may not have yet built that relationship. Imagine having to hug someone much bigger than you, who you’ve probably met just a couple of times before (and may not even remember doing so), and you’re unsure about why they’re in your safe place at all. Children are not always asked whether they want to give or receive a hug, doing so is simply something that they are expected to do.

While adults have the experience and words to express whether we are comfortable with hugging, children do not. As such, they need to be given the tools to understand that they have a choice and a voice. By forcing children to give hugs we are telling them that they have no say over what they do with their bodies. They learn that to be “nice” or “good”, they need to give up their personal space, even if it makes them feel uncomfortable. This is not our intention, but the message is clear.

It can be daunting for parents and nannies to explain to children concepts around consent, saying no, speaking up, and protecting their space. How do you even begin? We want our children to know that their bodies are theirs, and their choices concerning their bodies are theirs to make. These lessons need to start early to take root and to be ingrained in the very fabric of their values and ideas.

Currently, there is not much available that helps us to teach children that it’s ok to say no to an unwanted hug or touch, and that there are other options for greeting people and expressing thanks or feelings. And while there are many books that show characters enjoying hugs, depicting them as always being warm and cozy—embraced by everyone, there are just a handful of books that depict children as having the choice to say yes or no to hugs and touches, and many are aimed at older children as they begin their health education classes in school. By the time parents and educators begin thinking about introducing consent to their children, it’s only after early experiences, where children have been told time and time again to hug without their consent.

While starting the conversation when children are young and advocating for children when they are too young to do so on their own are good places to start, for parents and nannies who want a little help starting the conversation, I encourage them to check out my book, A Hug.

For children as young as two years old, but appropriate for children up to age eight, I share the message with them that while hugs can be wonderful, giving and receiving hugs is their choice and saying “no” isn’t a bad word. I also strive to help children understand that saying no to a hug doesn’t mean you have to be rude or mean, it just means that it’s okay to have boundaries and reasons for wanting—and not wanting—a hug. I also offer children many alternatives for hugging like waving, fist bumps, and high fives, that can be used when we wish to say no to hugging but want to express a greeting or our feelings.

Empowering children to establish boundaries and speak up when they feel uncomfortable is an important life lesson. The sooner the lesson is taught, the deeper it will take root and the more confident children will become in protecting their personal space.

Should Children Be Expected to Give and Receive Hugs?