Breaking the Cycle: Why Nannies Must Address Issues Head-On
As a longtime nanny industry professional and advocate, I’ve had countless conversations with nannies about challenges they’ve faced on the job—families coming home late, duties slowly expanding beyond what was agreed upon, or unclear communication about schedules and expectations. What strikes me most isn’t that these issues happen—it’s that the same issues keep happening, often with different families.
If you've ever thought, “Why does this keep happening to me?”—you’re not alone. But here's the reality: when we avoid addressing problems as they arise, we carry them into our future roles. The pattern continues until we break it.
The High Cost of Avoidance
Avoiding conflict feels easier in the moment. After all, many nannies worry that speaking up might jeopardize their job or strain the relationship with their employers. But silence has a cost. The Harvard Negotiation Project emphasizes that unresolved issues in professional relationships inevitably lead to deeper dissatisfaction and disconnection over time.¹
Let me share an example. “Emma,” a seasoned nanny I worked with, had three jobs in a row where parents frequently arrived late. She felt taken advantage of—but never voiced her concerns. Each time, she hoped the new family would be different. They weren’t. The truth was, Emma hadn’t learned to communicate her boundaries early and effectively.
This cycle is what psychologists refer to as repetition compulsion—a subconscious drive to relive unresolved scenarios in hopes of achieving a better outcome, but without changing our own behavior.² Until we address our part in the dynamic, we remain stuck.
Why It’s Crucial to Speak Up
You teach people how to treat you. If you consistently tolerate crossed boundaries, people will assume it's acceptable.
Unspoken resentment builds. What starts as minor irritation can turn into burnout or a fractured relationship.
The same problems will follow you. New job, same outcome—unless something changes.
How to Break the Cycle
Notice the Pattern
Reflect on what frustrations keep surfacing in your jobs. Write them down. Ask yourself, “Did I communicate my expectations clearly?” Identifying repeated experiences is the first step toward changing them. If you are experiencing job creep in each position, for example, consider if you’re being asked to take on additional duties or if you’ve started helping out because you felt something needed to be done — and now it’s become an expectation.
Use Your Voice Early
Address small issues before they become big ones. According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, how you start a conversation predicts how it will end.³ Lead with empathy and respect. For example: “I really enjoy working with your family. I’d love to find a way we can keep each other updated when arrival times change, so I can plan accordingly.” If you are willing, consider asking if the family would like to expand your hours or your rate to make any accommodations that seem needed.
Clarify Expectations Upfront
Before accepting a position, confirm details in writing—work hours, responsibilities, overtime policies, communication preferences. Clear boundaries help everyone feel secure. Ensure you review a written job offer and complete a written work agreement with the family. Formalizing the work agreement ensures that both parties understanding the expectations and responsibilities of their role.
Document, Reflect, and Share
Keep a personal log of situations that feel uncomfortable. Writing things down helps you clarify your thoughts and prepare for productive discussions. Remember, if you don’t give your employer the opportunity to correct an issue, they issue may not be correct. Having natural opportunities to connect help ensure negative feelings and resentment do not build up. Consider asking for weekly check-in meetings at the start of each new job and adjust the interval when you meet as the job progresses.
Lean on Your Resources
Whether it's your nanny placement agency, a mentor, or a professional nanny group, don’t navigate these challenges alone. Most reputable agencies provide support not just for job placement, but for long-term success on the job. Join the International Nanny Association to network with other like-minded professionals or join an online social media group like Nanny Counsel, where you can get advice from others.
Addressing Conflict is a Sign of Professionalism
It’s not unkind or ungrateful to speak up. It’s a demonstration of self-respect and emotional maturity. You’re not just protecting your current job—you’re setting the standard for the kind of work environment you deserve.
As researcher and leadership expert Brené Brown wisely said, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”⁴ By being clear about your boundaries and needs, you create healthier dynamics for yourself—and for the families you serve.
Sources:
Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2010). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Penguin Books.
Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the Pleasure Principle.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead. Random House.